Needed, Not Wanted

I don't know if it's just my personal trial in life or if it's one of an introvert, but all my life I'm one of those "needed, not wanted" kind of friends. Yes, I do have my very few besties that love me for me, and I am beyond grateful for them. But I'm an infj, a pleaser, a middle child, and service is my love language. If you add these together, you get an insecure, pleasing maniac who wants to make the world a better place and help everyone around them. I've spent most of my life trying to understand people and myself, and I'm eternally grateful for what I've learned so far. It's helped me mature a bit. It's also helped me realize that other people can't be my "center" value (read Steven R. Covey for explanation). And since then, I'm not nearly as vulnerable as I used to be. I deal with a lot of things a whole lot better than I ever could before.

But every once in a while, I run into a situation where I'm reminded that I am needed, not necessarily wanted. I'm the friend you really do need, because I will be your last defender til my very death. I will watch you til I learn your needs, and I will work persistently to not only meet them, but to anticipate them. I will keep your secrets and your honor. You will always be in my thoughts.

But I find that most people don't realize that's what they need. They look for what they want. And an infj, pleaser, middle child, service lover is never first pick. I'm the constant. Not the fun. I'm they "hey, will you...." not the, "hey, you want to..." friend. For the most part I'm fine with it. I love my friends, and after all, that is what makes up who am I and therefore, I'm being authentic.

But every once in a while, a rare while, mind you, the situation is just right, or maybe my emotions are just vulnerable that day. And on those days, I feel very used. And needed. But not wanted.